Real man

Last night, my woman came in the house, commenting that a snake had taken up residence in the driveway, on the way to her gas guzzling SUV. I had just mowed the lawn, so I thought I'd disturbed a teeny little grass snake, so I armed myself with a flashlight, to go out and shoosh it along it's merry way.

About 12 seconds later, I was in the house, trying to figure out how to deal with a diamond back rattlesnake. This denizen of danger was threatening my life. Where's the 20 gauge shotgun, well folks, it's about 103 years old, so it's not getting fired. Plus I don't have any shells for it. A 9mm isn't much good against a snake, so I went back outside to consider my options.

I looked down, and found a clay pot with a dead flower in it... I picked it up and lobbed it -- directly onto the snakes head. PERFECT SHOT!!! I'd done it! I'd made it a non-snake! Yay me!!!

About 15 minutes later, I worked up my nerve to move the carcass after watching it... so I grabbed a big rake - not the leaf variant, the heavy metal, moving rocks and gravel variant. I started pushing the dirt, clay and snake, and guess what happened? The little bastard starts making a beeline towards the grass.

With a great big "UHNGGG!" I flipped the rake over and brought it down on top of the snake, killing it a second time. This time, it was definitely worse for wear. There was snake juice on the ground. Ewww.

Again, I considered my options. What could I do? Cut it up with a hoe? Use a shovel? I didn't really want to get close to it. VIOLA! I looked into the garage, and saw the perfect weapon - a 2003 Mercury Marauder.

I grabbed my keys, filed a flight plan for HEB, and rolled slowly out of the garage, straddling the demonic slithery thing. I straighted the car, and ran over the snake 3 times. I'm SURE it's a non-entity now. A former snake. It's passed on...

I went and did my shopping, and returned to a flat snake, and I showed a neighbor and promptly flung it into a vacant lot. Let that be a lesson to all snakes. Stay away.

Of course it was all of about 14" long... but hey, the only good snake is a dead snake.